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Sunday, February 23, 2003
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I don't even know where to begin. I don't have bad days very often but when I get them, they sure are a duzey. Today was just one of those days. I lost two things today that are pretty important to me. One I was able to get back but the other I have no such luck. The bad thing is I wish It could have been the other thing I got back and I wouldn't care quite so much about the first thing. Ok that probably sounded pretty confusing considering you have no Idea what I'm talking about. But I will explain it, I just have to figure out how. Ok first off I'll tell you what the first thing was I lost today. I woke up to a big lightning storm and it turns out one of my computers didn't like it too much and decided it didn't want to work anymore. So boom fried motherboard and I am down one computer. I unplug it and take it to work with me today and I was able to get that repaired and fixed after a mainboard replacement. So thats one thing I lost that I could get back. Then after work I had to go to church to practice for a skit, we were all supposed to meet at 3:15.. but then nobody tells me they moved the time to 4:00 so I end up waiting there for over an hour. Before anybody shows up. I just kind of sat there and thought about some things. If you couldn't tell... yesterday was a pretty rough day as well. Kat and I had a little talk about some issues in our relationship. We talked about a couple things each of us needed to work on and things of that nature. We didn't really accomplish anything though, mostly we just talked about how it was rather then "lets fix it". I was pretty worried about things after our talk though because of the way Kat acted the rest of the night. She seemed to avoid me and not want to talk to me at all. We even had plans to see MacBeth that night that she just kind of blew off. One of the things she wanted to do was just have more time alone and also she wanted to feel more free to just go and do what she wanted sometime without having to worry about me. I don't have a problem with that at all but I did yesterday because we really needed to work things out and I think she chose a bad day to go off and exersise her freedom. So last night there was nothing I could do exept sit there and not want to do anything. Thats why I went to bed so early last night. Ok, so thats where the story is at. Now after our practice at the church I tried to get Kat to tell me what was on her mind but then again she didn't want to tell me because she had to leave to get to dinner in time. So once again I was standing there desperatley wanting to talk and exchange what was on our minds but I can't. I hate that feeling so much but there was nothing I could do. I just drove around lynchburg for awhile without a destination. I missed Dinner again tonight because i didn't feel like eating. The only thing I've had to eat since Dinner on Thrusday was 4 small slices of pizza that I had for lunch today at work. I didn't eat anything at all on Friday. The bad thing is I'm still not even very hungry. So anyway finally at around 8:00 she came to my window ready to talk. She tells me that she needs time to know herself better and grow and work on things in her life before she can continue a relationship. So now we are doing the "friends" thing. I can see where she is coming from and I understand that she needs to grow and learn things. But I still don't understand why a complete cutoff of the relationship is neccessary. I know we are going to try the "friends" thing but it just won't be the same. The real test will be this weekend when we go and stay at her dads house for a couple days and see how good of "just friends" we can be. Deep in my heart while we were dating I did consider her my best freind anyway (and I still do) but there was always the attraction to accompany it. The attraction will still be there too because I can't just turn it off but I will just have to turn off expressing it. That is going to be a hard thing to do for me. I made it a passtime of figuring things out I could do for her. Now what am I going to do on my free time. I think I've stared at the wall enough for the past couple days. So thats what we talked about while she was standing at my window plus a couple other things about us. Then we both just kind of stood there and said nothing for awhile. I was almost about to cry but I didn't quite get there yet. Then when she finally turned and walked away I just had to let them come its all I could do. I just layed on my bed for a good 20 mintues. I am glad she told me and didn't just keep it all to herself. I also know I didn't lose her as a friend but I'm still pretty devastated. I still feel like I lost something very important to me. I would have rather lost all seven of my computers then lose my companion that I could do everything with. I'm sure things will be much different and I won't get to be with her as much anymore and just that thought hurts so much. I feel like I'm talking in circles right now but thats how my mind feels so you all are just going to have to bear with me. After our talk and after I settled down a little I really just needed to talk to some other people. First I talked to my friend Katie from back home then a friend of Kat from her home town called me named Marcus and I had to talk to him for awhile too. I hardly know him but it was good to still talk to him. After that I decided I would call Kat's Mom and talk to her because my parents are out doing things with Youth group tonight. I'm glad I could talk to her mom though because she knew the situation better then then my parents would have anyway. Kat had just talked to her earlier that day and she knew about all this before I even did. I would have liked to talk to her more but she needed to leave by 9:30 because she had to get to sleep. I really wanted to call Becky and talk to her some too but she never picked up her phone all night. So I called Nikki and talked to her on the phone. She ended up coming over to my window to talk for awhile. Bekah also showed up there too because she knew about it and wanted to see how I was doing. So the three of us went and sat in the Vines Ceter until midnight talking about things and them trying to cheer me up. They didn't really cheer me up but I was just glad they could be there and have someone to talk to. Now I'm back here writing this journal entry and my mind is so shot from the day and I can only think about this situation. I even have to be in a skit tomorrow at church and I need to wake up by 7:00 because we need to get there early for practice. I really hope that goes as planned and that I can get enough sleep. I know I'm going to have lots of trouble getting to sleep. With all this on my mind. I might just have to go back and cry again for a little while and that might help some. I don't know why this is bothering me so much though. Its not like we got in a big argument and never want to see each other again. But I'm still having a very hard time with this. I think I just Love her too much for my own good and I don't think that will go away anytime soon. Ahh! so much more I could say but its already 2:00 and I probalby won't get to sleep for awhile and I will probalby only get 4 or 5 hours of sleep tongiht and I need to have enough energy for my skit tomorrow. I think I need to just stop here now. To sum everything up: today I had a very bad day and I hope tomorrow will bring some joy. I would still like people to just talk to for awhile so if you want to encourage or just have time to spare and don't mind talking to some guy call me at (434) 582-3106. Wake me up if you have to or try sometime tomorrow. I just want to get this day over with so I'm going to bed now. Good night... =(
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posted by Jeremy Dillinger @ 2:22 AM
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